On a sunny day in East Yonkers I had the chance to sit down with God and talk about the world, Wallmart and that curiosity that is David Lee.

Guy Friday: Can you tell us a little about your background?

God: Sure. Well, I started out making small planetoids as child and eventually worked my way up to stars, then solar systems and finally, earth. I had a real passion for living things but found algae boring, so I started tinkering with basic animals until I worked my way up to humans. I had to add a million years for shake down time but I'm proud of the current version.

Guy Friday: So all the animals on the planet are the way you want them or are there a few that you think are OK, but haven't gotten around to changing?

God: You are talking about squids and duck-billed platypie?

Guy Friday: Yes; among others.

God: Ha! Look, those creatures are there for a reason. If I put all bunnies and horses and shit like that you guys would never search for anything more then what's in your own back yard. Besides that little platypus is bicthen! It's the most venomous mammal on this rock. It's all how I want it, as far as animals go.

Guy Friday: So, does that mean there are other things that haven't quite lived up to your expectations?

God: Sure.

Guy Friday: Like?

God: Where do I begin? I'd have to put the onus on humanity and your creative minds. It's really my own fault, which is part of the reason why I don't step in and change everything. I made your minds like retarded little versions of my own.

Guy Friday:O, K.

God: Oh no, I didn't mean like that. I just meant it's like mine only runs a lot slower but that's just because you are men and not, well, me.

Guy Friday: Gotcha. So can you give us an example?

God: Sure. Let's take music: I give a small, recurring, percentage of you the ability to create nearly perfect sounds. Music. And you go and make Country music. I mean talk about awkward thank yous.

Guy Friday: I'm with you on that one; anything else?

God: Poverty. Racism. Nascar-I mean you're driving in one big circle, for like hours, burning up fuel for no good reason. None. And the ozone you're burning in process? Not coming back my friends.

Guy Friday: Oh man, really?

God: Yup.

Guy Friday: What about that plan that German guy has with micro doodads and their waste, or something?

God: Not happening. You're pretty well screwed.

Guy Friday: So let's talk about our main subjects today: Wallmart and David Lee.

God: Wallmart is the path to eternal damnation. I'm not sure I can stop it at this point and I would suggest you take some drastic action.

God: Like soon.

Guy Friday: OK...So what of David Lee?

God: I f'd up there.

Guy Friday: Can you be a little more specific?

God: Well, I'm at the birth (I'm at all births, FYI) and I know from jump this kid was put together all wrong. His genes had the standard defects that you all have (for character development and all that ish) but he had more then one switch turned on. By this I mean: he had multiple, active, defects but he wasn't slatted to be a full-on reject case.

Guy Friday: "Reject case"?

God: Yeah, reject. You know, full-on born to die reject. The kind that brings massive sorrow. The kind that teaches people a lesson or breaks down the weak. Something I put in there to keep you guys from getting to comfy with things.

Guy Friday: So what did or does that make him?

God: He is a beta version of a successful person.

Guy Friday: Ouch. That's a bit harsh.

God: It's true. I could have gone back in time and smoked his ass but he had at least one person who fought for him; had him in their heart. I don't do redos on those cases. So I had to let this little fucker live. Even I have rules.

Guy Friday: So what do you think about his progress, so far?

God: Well I keep throwing curve balls at him but he keeps on trucking. Every now and then I release different "patches" that affect his reality in some sort of significant way. For instance, in the 2.03 patch I turned his wife into a lesbian and gave him the flu-in the same week.

Guy Friday: Wow. What did he do?

God: He pledged to get the flu shot every year ( hasn't gotten the flu since) and he slept with his wife's best friend.

Guy Friday: Ha ha!

God: Twice.

Guy Friday: Nice. He sounds like he can roll with the punches.

God: He has to be at this point. I keep him on his toes.

Guy Friday: So you don't hate him, as is thought in many circles?

God: No, no. I don't hate anyone. David Lee is a pain in the ass, what with decrying me to others and all the Jesus jokes, but I don't dislike him. He just has to walk a different path from most people. Besides, for all his bitching what he doesn't tell anyone is that I gave him some mighty fine gifts-along with his ailments.

Guy Friday: So you think he'll make an impact on the world?

God:Well that part is up to him. But let's just say I think he'll be around long enough to do something great-if he chooses to.

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