I do not have half the responsibilities I once did.

But I have double the anxiety.

Don't think "why?". I do all the time and it's useless. This time in my life, this space, these people- it should be a cake-walk. Simple. Fun. Not hard to manage. Coming from a background of strife and problem solving; I should be more than capable of handling the things I do.

I fall short.

On patience. On understanding. On thoughtfulness. I just am not at full strength. I feel weakened in many regards. Smaller. I do not have a defeatist mind set but I do feel more vulnerable then I ever have. And tired.

Endlessly, madly, and violently tired.

It's all just murky, dark stuff. I still laugh and try to have fun. Strive to be fun. But I'm low and smoky like a trumpet player after a midnight set. Weary and world worn but still playing. Still making things vibrate to my unique frequency. I still love A like a lion, I just have my paws to ground and my mind in the shade.

Cool, still and waiting.




Always waiting...

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